I dnt knw

Jan 30, 2016

I miss writing so much it exceeds my longing for a girl which firstly made me love writing.

I do not actually stop writing. I wrote several essays just like what I usually did and let them passively be stored in random folders. I am reading random things, listening to my friend’s random stories, getting know some interesting ideas and wisdom. So writing random things is just the consequences of that.

I deleted them, though. Sadly. All of my recent writings. My psychology was (and still, I guess) in chaotic state. You can’t just randomly share your problems in internet, or everyone, for that matter. It waste your time. No one really care, even your closest friends. To be precise, those whom you think you are so close and important for them but you are not. That happens too often in our life we forget the pattern.

I even deleted my embryo of novels. Once became my pride. They meant the world for me. I was killing my own ideas: things that took most of my time back then in making research and inspirations.

But here is what happened: Long time of disappointments changed my thinking. It changed my worldview. It changed how I expect, how I communicate, how I react to every shit. Even the things that I read. I didn’t read as much as I suppose to do. I lost my interest in some things that I used to adore—an indication of depressing, from what I read.

I was reading myself more and left my bookcase untouched.

Once in a while I thought I am very close to suicidal. Shameful thinking for someone my age. Tough I never ashamed for thinking like that.

I always know that you should not put your expectation on other people. But I always felt for that. It’s just human nature, I guess, that we keep on expecting something from someone.  Especially those, I got this phrase from somewhere, “people who will be gone by sunset”. I kept wasting my “sunrise” keeping in touch with them hoping we share the same idea of investing time.

But then it’s only me who feel that way. It’s life, isn’t? Most of the cases the heartbreak is one-sided. We then call it a lesson in a hard way. *try not to swear*

It can be a good thing, I guess, that we are receiving daily or weekly dose of heartbreaks. I believe those who want to be a great writer need a regular dose of heartbreaks.

So thanks.


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